Emptiness Into Wholeness

This full moon in Sagittarius has been a revealing of much—shedding, completing, and letting go of deeper layers than I could have possibly imagined. Funny how, when you remove yourself from your constant reality, sit with yourself, and truly reflect, you meet versions of yourself you hadn’t noticed day in and day out for a very long time. Last night, I opened my journal to make notes of reflections, and the first page I turned to had a picture of Porter. I held his picture in my hands and meditated, and then the tears came. Uncontrollable, can’t-keep-it-in tears came pouring out. His picture opened a part of me I hadn’t touched in a very long time.

First, it was the memory of losing him for a whole year to my ex-husband, who was very toxic and abusive. That day, I made the choice to leave him, and I was going to take both dogs, Desi and Porter. But unfortunately, Porter was legally my ex’s dog at the time, so I was left with no choice. I remember saying goodbye to him outside in the snow on a dreary day in Michigan, not knowing if I would ever see him again. I was scared for him and for the life he would have without the love and care he deserved. I left that day carrying a grief I didn’t know how to process.

Now, to experience the death of a dog is its own kind of grief. But losing a dog while they are still alive, and knowing they are with someone who isn’t capable of properly caring for them, is another kind of loss entirely. You live with the unknown every day while trying to continue on with your life. For a whole year, I drank myself into numbness so I wouldn’t think about him or what I was feeling inside. I hid behind the appearance that I was happy to be out of that abusive relationship, living in the beautiful countryside with Desi, back at the job I loved, and slowly caring less about what people thought of me. But underneath it all, I was carrying the memory of leaving him behind and questioning whether I had failed him somehow.

Then, exactly a year later, I got news from my ex’s sister that he was in the hospital and no longer capable of taking care of Porter. She was going to find him a new home unless I wanted him. My heart came back to life the moment she asked me. This was my opportunity to finally give him the life he deserved—and the beginning of my path toward consciously healing parts of myself I had buried for a long time. It took five volunteer transports through different rescue groups and shelters collaborating together to get him out of Michigan and back home to Texas. The day we reunited was the day something inside me softened. My family felt whole again—Porter, Desi, and me. That was all I ever needed. Even now, with him gone, I still feel that completeness because his spirit remains with me.

I bring this memory up because, in sitting with it last night, I moved through all the fear, shame, guilt, and regret I carried during that time. Even after he returned to me, I still judged myself for having to make that impossible choice. But later, I realized he never held it against me. He understood. And somehow, the universe knew we would find each other again in this life. This is why I felt such a deep soulmate bond with him—because of everything we went through together. We found each other again, and I was able to fulfill the life I always wanted to give him. That was the soul contract we made with each other before coming into this life.

I share this as a way for others to know that no matter what hard choices we make for ourselves that may affect the lives of our furry loved ones, they still love us no matter what. They understand on a deep soul level what their purpose is alongside us in this life. This can be hard for the human mind to accept or understand, but our souls know the destiny of our paths with our animals. Trust that, and trust your animals—they will guide the way.