The Way She Loved Me Into Myself

I wanted to share a profound moment of awareness that I had with my 13-year-old pup. I was lying with her on the floor in my office space, in a state of presence—noticing how soft her fur feels against my fingers as I stroke her coat, watching her breathing pattern as she gently closes her eyes and leans her head against the pillow, reveling in this special moment in time because I’ll never get it back again.

I am taken back by all the years of memories with her. She came into my life serendipitously through an old relationship connection about 12 years ago and has taught me so much about myself, while also deepening my connection with animals in general. When I was younger, I had dreams of having my own hearing dog to help me with my deafness, and Desi showed up at a time in my life when I was so lost about who I was and my place in the world.

Over the years, she has slowly shown me a path—one where I could utilize my own personal experiences, especially as someone with a disability, to share relatable moments with others, and also help them forge a deeper connection with their animals. The deepest gift Desi has given me has been teaching me how to be sweet and soft with myself. She carries a presence of pure sweetness that I’ve come to realize is the medicine I needed, especially during our early years together (I was in my 20s when I got her). This is the part of myself that she has helped heal on my journey as I’ve evolved on this planet.

Coming from a more masculine aspect in many areas of my life, she reminds me to bring in the feminine—to nurture—while also showing me that you can still be fierce as a feminine force when necessary. One of my hidden fears, as she ages and gets closer to the edge of death, is that I’ll lose that part of myself. But that isn’t true. That is just my fear speaking, in the midst of anticipatory grief that tries to take over my sense of logic and perception of the future.

I accept the fact that I will lose the physical sweetness she offers every day, but I will never lose the sweetness she showed me. I’ve had years to integrate it within my own psyche—facing some of my darkest shadows, shining a light on them, and offering them love and tenderness.

After all, fear is just pain that hasn’t yet been shown love and nonjudgment.